the waistband on my pants pains and discomforts and self protections in extreme just a day another down just be patient something to look ahead to with a sense of peace will come be patient for the rise
so many things I am living in denial of... like, if i had a life threatening condition... days like this, whatever it is that is circulating through my body to make my thoughts this dark, make me doubt my willingness or interest in fighting for it, life. to see any of these things though if anyone knew ya know? so i think and feel all these things but i say nothing or i make self-deprecating comments trying to hint at the heavy dark blanket laying over me the hope that if someone else can see it too then i will feel less of it
but
listening to nirvana, smells like teen spirit, god this song, moshpit at an 8th grade dance memories blaze against the dying embers
45 years, this is me, listening to music, people screaming their pain into a microphone... force myself into doing whatever the thing is that seems like it needs doing to shift this momentum into an alternative direction
or
allow myself to feel and be whatever it is that seems so loud and sad and full of pain I am afraid I want to want . and my mind is saying shrink down and be small so that you can bear it all and my body is saying breathe and expand and move and be and live and be alive and i feel like i am being torn into... shredded
but then these feelings are just for now, not for always, but then I want some sense that what I can imagine can actually be true like to imagine that this little thing can become a big beautiful thing and then i just do things, like submit an application for an apartment.
xxxx 20th street #9 $685/month for a 2br/1ba shower only plus electric and internet i just want to try to see what if will i feel better in my body, in my spirit a place to myself a simple small no bells no whistles little place where i can stretch and spread out and practice all the things, try all the things where my fears are not for myself as much as having to tell someone else attaching myself, a piece of my identity to these temporary things getting tangled up in these things attaching and identifying with... worth value worthy of being valued so much i wish i could avoid into which i plunge helplessly wanting confidence without ego or shame and embarrassment but then if you try, you can spin it somehow
not all things to all people
What would bring joy what do you want... can you put it into words force it
Writing from Life, for Life. 