Feeling things 

the waistband on my pants 
pains and discomforts 
and self protections in extreme 
just a day 
another down 
just be patient 
something to look ahead to with a sense of peace 
will come 
be patient for the rise 

so many things I am living in denial of...
like, if i had a life threatening condition...
days like this, whatever it is that is circulating through my body to make my thoughts this dark, make me doubt my willingness or interest in fighting for it, life.
to see any of these things though
if anyone knew
ya know?
so i think and feel all these things
but i say nothing
or i make self-deprecating comments
trying to hint at the heavy dark blanket laying over me
the hope that if someone else can see it too
then i will feel less of it

but

listening to nirvana, smells like teen spirit, god this song, moshpit at an 8th grade dance memories 
blaze against the dying embers

45 years, this is me,
listening to music, people screaming their pain into a microphone...
force myself into doing whatever the thing is that seems like it needs doing to shift this momentum into an alternative direction

or

allow myself to feel and be whatever it is that seems so loud and sad and full of pain
I am afraid
I want
to want .
and my mind is saying shrink down and be small so that you can bear it all
and my body is saying breathe and expand and move and be and live and be alive
and i feel like i am being torn into...
shredded

but then these feelings are just for now, not for always, but then I want some sense that what I can imagine can actually be true
like to imagine that this little thing can become a big beautiful thing
and then i just do things, like submit an application for an apartment.

xxxx 20th street #9
$685/month for a 2br/1ba shower only
plus electric and internet
i just want to try
to see
what if
will i feel better in my body, in my spirit
a place to myself
a simple small no bells no whistles little place where i can stretch and spread out and practice all the things, try all the things
where my fears are not for myself as much as having to tell someone else
attaching myself, a piece of my identity to these temporary things
getting tangled up in these things
attaching and identifying with...
worth
value
worthy of being valued
so much i wish i could avoid
into which i plunge helplessly
wanting confidence without ego or
shame and embarrassment
but then if you try, you can spin it somehow

not all things to all people

What would bring joy
what do you want...
can you put it into words
force it

smallredtown, texas
april 2, 2024