Unedited writing. Who is so bold!?
Some days it comes. Smoothly.
Other days it goes. Wonky.
Riddles and rhymes
Repetitive
Can’t possibly
But perhaps
What could I reveal
Too much for sure

Ever the nonsensical experiment

I just see others who seem to do this thing in front of my face and I watch it, while thinking, me too! Me too! I wanna play!

I’m afraid of big.
Big dreams can lead to big failures
And even if they were to resemble big success, my sinfully weak heart cannot support success without succumbing to pride and pats on the back, so what’s the point in dreaming?

Right now this is the shape of my dream. I suppose it hasn’t really changed much in the past few years – only small details – the general shape of it remains intact: to get rid of as many expenses as possible (right now that is years of old credit card debt) so that I can “work” less so that I can work! More. Gifts of food. Gifts of time. Writing. Designing. Music-ing. Community building.

Nehemiah 4:6 So we built the wall… For the people had a mind to work.

I am a writer
No I’m not.

I am an artist
I just imitate.

I think
And I dream
That is all.

And I am not perfect
must. let. that. go.

every

day

I think I enjoy the effort it takes

hard work
long hours
time passing to reveal change

not superficial
but deep-seeded

all will be revealed

in time

what I want to be
will it ever match
what I can become?

supernatural talent.
a gift.

prove myself to me.
to you.

things that move us to work.
hard.

these are outlets of passion that well up from within – all gifts

questions
What do I really believe?

I try to be a writer.
Yet I’m afraid to try to be anything
Its easier to be no one
because then everyone expects nothing from you.

Until I realize that I care.
About hard work.
Effort.
Training.
Practicing.
I can even enjoy it.

using what I’ve been given
That is all it is.

A raw talent
Nor a skill
I cannot take credit for it.

all outlets
all experiences.
all tapping into the source of all joy.
all passion.
all talents

a voice
a dance

Do it well
and I will experience the real you
as you do

Shall I reveal myself as well?

Difference

between

being

afraid to put myself out there and

patiently cautionary

the

difference

being

the motivation behind the waiting

for wisdom from

someone who knows more than I do on

the subject of life living

grasping not at meaning

in the external

in the visible

but instead

being held

being filled

Waiting for the promise of the Father
Acts 1:4

I will try to out-smart a smart person, or out-run another runner, or even out-adventure a fellow adventurer…

It gets worse.

It’s a tricky business. Because some people are really smart. Really great runners. Really adventurous. So I choose my competitors “wisely”.  Usually a personal one-on-one relationship is required, but also the odds must NOT be stacked in your favor. I mean, I will not attempt to out smart Paul Allen, or out adventure the Birdmen, or out-craft Martha Stewart.

Sometimes I look around me, find someone who does something that I admire and want to try to do… And I try to out-do them. It is a form of comparison.

It makes me feel good about myself.  To impress the crafty person with my own craftiness. To impress the musician with my musicianship. To impress the hipster with my hipness.

Yuck, right?

It gets worse still.

In my competitiveness, my attention recently has turned towards my Jesus-loving, Christian friends.

This verse has been floating around my head; Paul, writing to Timothy about the qualifications for Deacons says “They must hold the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. And let them also be tested first; then let them serve as deacons if they prove themselves blameless.”

How else to prove yourself than to stand out in what you do? How else to stand out than to catch someone’s eye? How else to catch someone’s eye than to do something well that they already do well?!

In order to impress my Christian friends, to stand out, to prove myself, I look at what they do (well) and I try to imitate and out-do them!

Woah.  What a major mix-up. Not to mention highly illogical.

Trying to out-christian a fabulously Christian, Christian is a bogus competition, not because it is impossible (like out-smarting Einstein), but because it is NOT a competition.

I. will. never. out-christian. you.

Being a Christian – Loving like Jesus… is not a competition.

Being a Christian is about being forgiven. Knowing you need forgiveness. Accepting that you are incapable of DOING anything to achieve forgiveness. And that you can only open your hands, your head, your heart to the mercy of God’s forgiveness through Jesus.

The same Jesus who has forgiven me, continues to forgive me, and will forgive me tomorrow when I forget what I am saying right now – that same Jesus forgives you too.

So we are united in this, not competing.

So this is My personal noncompete clause with my Christian friends.